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Post by maurinsky on Jan 13, 2021 8:06:06 GMT -5
I mentioned in the daily thread today that I think I'm setting into a situational depression. Last time, it was after getting laid off, I just didn't have the energy to do anything but sleep. This time, it's so many things - the stress of my dad's health and thinking about his loneliness, the stress (now lifted) of worry about Fionnuala and my family being so far away, the stress of MY loneliness from not seeing friends, the stress of everything that is happening in the world and in our nation in particular......
So how are we?
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Linda
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Post by Linda on Jan 13, 2021 9:26:23 GMT -5
We are struggling. (Easier to use "we" than I LOL)
I remind myself every day how fortunate I am. I can work from home and my income has not been interrupted. I have my 16 year old in the house and she is a great companion. We cook together, we talk about politics, we do puzzles. I talk to my friends and parents, I just don't see them. So, see? So lucky! I'm great!
Except no. Not always. I'm struggling to keep the blues away, not always successfully. I cry a lot. I'm terribly lonely. Which, to be fair, I was terribly lonely before the pandemic so that's not new. The new part is feeling rather hopeless about finding someone fill that particular void. I know I'm supposed to be a strong independent woman and maybe it seems weak or whatever to "need" a man. The truth is, I want a partner. I won't marry again, but I still want someone to walk through life with. And the lack of that is made sharper by the fact that I cannot freely move among other people, not family, not friends, not strangers, who might otherwise help fill that void, and I cannot seek to fill it by trying to meet someonw during a pandemic.
But... I keep telling myself it won't be forever. And that I'm very fortunate in so many ways.
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Post by maurinsky on Jan 13, 2021 9:44:25 GMT -5
I am intimately familiar with the litany of gratitude! I am also fortunate. I've been working right through everything, so has Doug, between Doug and Bubba I am surrounded with love.
But. There is the anxiety that eats away about what happens next? Who is not going to survive to see the other side of the pandemic? What is going to happen to our country? What should I do now to plan for what may happen next? I feel like a calm exterior (which is my natural state) is just covering a panic I hold in the pit of my stomach.
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Post by shaena on Jan 13, 2021 9:47:14 GMT -5
Not well. I mean I know I am very lucky in so many ways financially, knock on wood, we are ok, and I thank my lucky stars everyday that continues.
But this situation caused huge setbacks particularly for my youngest daughter, that I am afraid will have devastating effects for her future, it overwhelms me as her mother.
I was so excited to have a grandson I could see and bond with, and unfortunately the pandemic threw quite a wrench into that. Again, I know summer is coming and things may ease, but it hurts so very much right now.
I am grateful to have my job still, but to hold it, it requires me to be the person doing the employee and visitor health checks, and its not an easy balance and not fun dealing with the public and people who think its a hoax....
I am tired of national politics, that bled into my personal life, as I entered local politics as a democrat in 2019, (one of very few in my town) and had to suffer being accused of being antifa and a communist by other local officials to the point I had to worry, and honestly have no desire to run again at this point.
I am tired of every day being another notch on a never ending calendar of survival, physically and emotionally.
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Post by stellarfeller on Jan 13, 2021 10:40:23 GMT -5
I’m tired. Not so much physically, but mentally, every day is a slog. My boys are in online school and it’s a constant struggle to get them up every day to participate - they’re both autistic and have incredibly understanding teachers who appreciate their unique quirks and challenges. They each need support during their classes and I can’t support them both at the same time. Daniel’s sleep routine is completely screwed up - he naps in the afternoon because he’s tired, but then he can’t sleep at night, so he stays up all night and then sleeps through his morning classes - it’s almost like having a toddler again. And I feel responsible and like it reflects badly on me if they miss a class. Daniel desperately wants to go back to school, but we’re in lockdown right now until at least the second week of February, and even after that if we don’t get a handle on our cases, I can’t send him back to school with case counts being so high.
Our house is quite small and I feel like we’re on top of each other all the time. My husband is still working, thankfully - he’s an essential worker - but even when he is home he only sits and watches TV, and I’m the only one who does laundry or mops the floor or cleans the bathrooms. I feel like a maid (but to be fair, I felt that way before COVID too...). We can’t really go out and do anything together, even just the boys and me, because I need another adult with me in case Richard goes off to explore or look at something that catches his eye.
I want to get out and walk for exercise but I can’t because of school schedules, it gets dark so bloody early, and my husband works in the afternoons so I can’t walk after school is finished for the day because I can’t leave the kids alone.
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Post by maurinsky on Jan 13, 2021 11:06:05 GMT -5
I don't know how parents of school age children are managing. My closest friends are all teachers, which makes it doubly challenging, because they have to be upbeat and create virtual but engaging material while also making sure their kids are participating in their schoolwork.
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Post by Eli on Jan 13, 2021 11:19:21 GMT -5
Emotionally, I am doing okay. I had long depressive episode that began in June 2016 and lasted until this summer.
Covid and lockdown really didn't get me down too much but only because I was in the middle of an exceptionally long recovery and I would have been home even if Covid hadn't forced the issue.
However, I am resentful that my employer has made it clear my colleagues and I are acceptable collateral damage in a global pandemic. I am tired of receiving emails from my Superintendent that harp on me doing my job and "keeping my focus on teaching and learning" while I have only been able to see my mother once since school began. I am tired of the responses from parents and the community when a school has to go remote due to multiple exposures and + Covid tests. I am tired of my district doing hinky math and not being forthcoming with information that faculty and staff and students are out due to positive tests or mandatory quarantine as not to let us and the community know what the real numbers are.
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Post by nansel on Jan 13, 2021 11:53:04 GMT -5
OMG, I had a long, thoughtful post all typed out. And it went "poof". Argh.
The gist of it was how I struggled mightily in the spring/summer. Work sucked, dh and dd got laid off, no one knew what was going on...
Then in the fall my boss gave me a bit of a wake up call about my grumpiness and then I had a panic attack. In a fortunate(!) turn, I got quarantined for COVID contact shortly thereafter and had to stay home (paid by sick time) for two weeks, and then I had most of December off using up all the holiday hours I had saved. During all that time off I seem to have done a pretty good job at resetting my brain.
Sometimes I feel guilty at how well DH and I are doing now. As introverted empty-nesters with essential jobs and lots of hobbies, we're pretty set up to survive this. Not to mention the money we're saving from not being able to go out for dinner. We've never been in such a good place financially. Dd is also in an essential job she enjoys and is paid well, loves her new apartment, has a new kitten...
My hat is off to those who have school aged kids, whose jobs/industries have been destabilized, or who need social contact (I'll never fully understand that, mind you, but I hear it). And for Americans, add to that your crazy political situation! Yikes.
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Post by maurinsky on Jan 13, 2021 11:57:10 GMT -5
So many failures all around, Eli, that are not your fault. I would bet there is significant pressure from above and below for school officials, but it all comes back to the colossal failure of our federal government to deal with the pandemic appropriately from the outside, and the failures of each state trying to figure out what they have to do and can do with the resources they have (or don't have), the conspiratorial and ideological ideas that the pandemic isn't really a thing and it's blown out of proportion....
I think about all the parents who work service jobs that never shut down who have kids that need to be supervised for virtual school....
All the people who've lost their jobs....
and again, I know I'm lucky, but because of the initial failure of our incompetent federal government under Trump, this is going to have repercussions for years in every single community in this country.
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Linda
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Post by Linda on Jan 13, 2021 14:10:05 GMT -5
I don't know how working-from-home parents of younger children who are schooling-from-home are managing. It cannot be easy. You guys deserve medals!
The other thing I have is worry about my kids. My oldest daughter is a total extrovert who is currently a SAH mom. She is struggling mightily with depression and it hurts my heart to see it. She was in school too, but that all went virtual and self-paced so she gets none of her social needs met there. She and her husband are fighting a lot and I know this all has taken a toll on their marriage.
Then there is my youngest granddaughter who has spent most of her 1st year in virtual isolation. She has some special needs and hasn't been able to get the services she really should have. Everything went virtual including her physical therapy and other services. She probably needed a helment but it seems that ship has sailed. My daughter couldn't get into her ped to get the referral to the specialist so the helment never happened. But mostly I worry aobut what toll this will take socially.
I do think there could be some lingering effects of this pandemic on young children.
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Post by Inky on Jan 13, 2021 15:47:18 GMT -5
We are doing well, I think. The political situation in the US is very upsetting though. Since it's not something we have any control over at all, we try not to dwell on it. Health-wise we are good. Not even a cold or sniffle. Pretty hard to catch anything when you are isolated. We do try to stay positive and both of us are so happy for our home, our little town, our friends and family that live close by. We did hear just this morning of 2 families that have covid right in town now. That's pretty big, as it's a very small town. I know one of them. They are hard-core Christians who go to church down in the south where covid is roaring, and they would never ever miss church for anything, so I think I have a clue about where/how they got it. I don't know the other family well. They're young (30's) so could be a lot of places.
Our grandchildren are getting tired of online learning too. For some reason our school has longer online time that a lot of others and the parents are starting to just get the work and sign off to do independently. My poor son-in-law is carrying the bulk of it because he can work from home most of the time. So he has a 7 year old in grade 1 and a 2 1/2 year old that really doesn't nap much to look after while he also works. We've been getting take-out once a week and often bring some to DD's family too just because he loves the break from cooking.
And funny thing about the money - we've also noticed that we have more in the bank, staying in the bank, than before.
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Post by jen on Jan 13, 2021 17:23:52 GMT -5
I listen to pain all day. Usually that’s ok when my own life is fine. But I’m also living in this world. I haven’t been allowed to see my mom in months due to her nursing home getting case after case. Leaving my day job probably saved me. If Zoe doesn’t have a graduation, however, I may lose my shit for real.
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Post by coachgrrl on Jan 13, 2021 18:04:47 GMT -5
I’m doing ok. The medication I take seems to be working, however my onc says it generally works for 2 years. 2 years for me will be June. I struggle with feeling I’m wasting my remission.
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Post by villanelle on Jan 14, 2021 13:24:06 GMT -5
My life is set up better than most to bear this Thing. No kids, secure income, etc. So I feel guilty for not being fine. And I deal with that by forcing myself to be as isolated (and therefore safe) as I can be. Part of that is just the right thing for me and for my community, but I know there's a part of me that does it as almost penance for my good fortune.
I have left the house probably fewer than a dozen times since March. That includes *everything* except about half a dozen local walks, which I've also stopped doing because we live in a very popular shopping area and so many people are unmasked so even walking doesn't feel safe.
I don't go anywhere, even to pick up curbside groceries. (Groceries are delivered via Amazon Fresh.) I sometimes worry that it's going to be difficult for me to get back to regular life, when (if?) that happens, because now Outside just feels like bad and scary and No! and wrong.
Much of my anxiety about our upcoming move (three months away) is the Covid stuff. Packers in our home, probably needing to go to stores to buy some items (even if I don't get any new furniture or decor stuff--just essentials), etc. A move is going to shatter my bubble and I'm already fretting about that.
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Linda
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Post by Linda on Jan 14, 2021 14:39:52 GMT -5
I want to "like" all these but that doesn't seem right. It's just a "I heard you" thing, not a "I like what you're going through" thing. LOL
Villanelle - getting out has become paramount to my mental health. Last night, it was to pick up prescriptions in the CVS drive-through. I'm inside more because of the cold now, but from summer to late fall, my daughter and I were hiking every weekend. Me! HIKING! But it felt so good to be out of the house.
I grocery shop once a week. Off hours. As safely as possible. I occasionally see my therapist, from opposite sides of a fairly good sized room (but indoors nonetheles). And I rarely see my kids or grandkids but occasionally I do. My daughter who missed the end of her senior year turns 19 Sunday and she and one of my other daughters is coming over for dinner. Then I will lock down for 10 days after.
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Post by Sprockey on Jan 14, 2021 15:55:40 GMT -5
I've left my house like 6 times in 10 months . 4 times to grocery store, and twice for a socially Distant visit with 2 friends. I am someone who is very social & typically goes out every weekend. So yeah, this has taken a toll on my mental health. I fear I will never feel safe going to a public event (shows, concerts, movies, parties) again.
I'm grateful (of course) for our health and financial stability. I also really like working from home.
But I miss people, my family, and having fun.
The one day I broke my rules by allowing my son over for Christmas, he had Covid.
So I'm locked down again until this shit is over.
Makes me sad.
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Post by puppylove on Jan 14, 2021 16:15:36 GMT -5
I am not okay with bits of being ok. Tim’s 27 year old niece died late last week. Heart attack at 27. She was supposed to get married next week. I did my first ever zoom funeral.
I am really NOT a social person, but the lack of interaction is really getting to me. The lack of travel is getting to me (I feel selfish even putting that out there). We have not suffered financially through this mess and I feel guilty about that when I know so many people are.
The shit show of American politics is putting me over the edge. I’m starting to hate the place where I live because of the trump support. I see a trump sign and immediately dislike whoever lives in that house, even though I have no idea who they are. I want to get back to loathing all politicians equally, not this black rage I feel for trump. I’m not that person. But I feel like that person right now.
I feel confined and smothered.
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Post by alicechalmers on Jan 14, 2021 21:33:25 GMT -5
I am so sorry, PL.
Honestly, the previous year was so awful for us that this is an improvement. I am not happy that everyone else is having a hard year, but to be perfectly honest it’s easier to figure ourselves out and recover from our losses, to whatever extent that is possible, when the rest of the world isn’t happy and joyous and normal.
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Linda
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Post by Linda on Jan 15, 2021 0:07:57 GMT -5
I get that, AC. In some ways, my loneliness has been more bearable because I know many of us are feeling lonely. Reading this thread has been interesting because while I feel I'm being way more locked-down than most people I know, many of you are way more locked-down than me. I wonder what the lingering effects will be... fear of crowds for many. More demands of personal space for sure. Some people that never reengage with the people of the world again. I hope we all come out of it unscathed, by and large.
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emmjay
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Post by emmjay on Jan 15, 2021 5:29:27 GMT -5
I am so sorry, PL. What a horrible shock. I am grateful we both have our jobs, our kids are doing ok, and none of us have been ill. Overall I feel like I am mostly ok, but I also constantly find myself with my neck/shoulders all hunched up due to stress and my sleep is terrible. So I’m not actively filled with anxiety but definitely abnormally stressed out. I do feel better now that schools have gone online, because I was pretty anxious about going in those last couple of weeks before Xmas. Mostly I am worried I will never see my parents again, so I try to talk to them as much as possible. This has been at the back of my mind ever since leaving the US, because they are 80, but now it’s my biggest worry. I bought flights to visit them this coming summer, so I hope we are able to actually go. I also feel like I am more locked down than many people I know, but definitely less than some of you. I mean, I went into work 5 days a week from Aug - Dec. I also go in to the grocery store, but off hours/not as often and in conjunction with deliveries. I do literally nothing that is social. We had a couple of friends over for a socially distant 4th of July bbq in our backyard, and I think that’s it. I haven’t been in a restaurant or pub since I went on a business trip in February, and that was also the last time I slept somewhere other than my own bed.
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