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Post by villanelle on May 20, 2021 18:17:33 GMT -5
I always struggle with this. Most of the time when we are planning things--either purely social or with work people--we try to include kids. We know family time is important, and in many cases we love our friends kiddos and would miss them if they weren't included. But sometimes, it's just not what we want and while I know we aren't doing anything wrong, it always somehow makes me feel like I'm the asshole.
We just sent a text inviting people for "drinks, dinner, and an adult game night" (and noted we are inviting another 2-3 couples) to a couple with three kids. Is that the best approach? And later this year, we will likely try to have DH's entire command over for a late summer or fall BBQ. With just spouses, we are probably at 200 ppl, though realistically probably closer to 100-120 would attend. We can accommodate that (and pay for food, which we'd like to do as opposed to a pot luck, both because it is nicer and also because Covid seems to have made people more hesitant about shared group food) but adding kids would likely double that number and we can't do that. (Also, our home is ridiculously not kid-friendly and in the past we've learned that, especially at large events, parents frequently don't think about that and set their kids free as they would in their own home.) Is there a way to limit it to adults without being assholes? How do we do that and what do we say?
(We are considering finding a park space, bringing in a food truck for just us for 90-120 minutes, and that would allow kids, though still be very, very expensive and we'd prefer to have them at the house.)
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Post by alicechalmers on May 20, 2021 18:48:57 GMT -5
I think it's completely reasonable to have an adults only event. No guilt. Parents can either go or not go--you're not obligated to make everything work for everyone.
How about "Please join us for an adults only evening on ....... "
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Post by Peachy on May 20, 2021 20:13:42 GMT -5
Dd's bridal shower was adult only. Not only is my house not large enough to accommodate that many people, it was a brunch with a mimosa bar. My cousin's wife texted me and asked if she could bring her kids (they have 5!). I told her I was sorry, it was adults only and that we had already ordered the food with only the invited number of people in mind.
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Post by mmeblue on May 20, 2021 20:34:10 GMT -5
Totally reasonable request. "Adults only" should be clear and is not rude.
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Post by nansel on May 21, 2021 8:17:29 GMT -5
Not only reasonable, but here’s a tip - sometimes as a parent it was actually a relief to get invited to adult-only get togethers! Then there was no worry of “should we, shouldn’t we bring her? Wonder what everyone else is doing?”, plus being out socializing together without all the kids running around was a nice break sometimes.
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Post by marianparoo on May 21, 2021 9:07:24 GMT -5
I was in a Wedding Shaming group on FB, and this issue came up a lot. People can invite anyone they want to their wedding for whatever reason and vice-versa. I usually don't words like "breeders", but it fit for some of the people who whined about a no children wedding. My bet is that most of the people who were insistent about bringing them weren't giving a larger gift in consideration of the inconvenience they would be causing.
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Post by villanelle on May 21, 2021 12:23:21 GMT -5
I'm admittedly scarred from many spouse's club meetings in Japan that devolved into "why isn't the command providing sitters" and "who planned an event for a Thrusday night? High school baby sitters can't work a weeknight" and "I can't pic my kids up from the bus, get a sitter, get ready, and be in Tokyo by 7 so the event should have been planned to start later". (Mind you, the service members, including these people's spouses, planned and often paid for these events; the spouses' group had nothing to do with it but received all the ire when really they should have been pissed at their spouses, if there was anything to be pissed at. There was a LOT of anger that not every event was kid-friendly; no one seemed to think "that doesn't work for me so I won't attend" was reasonable. And I know that even though I had nothing to do with any of those decisions (and in fact encouraged DH to speak to the group and he did but the vast majority, including many of the spouses of our loudest complainers, still wanted mostly drunken nights out for their celebrations), because we don't have kids there was an assumption that we just didn't understand and it was our fault.
So it has all made me very gun-shy. And with a resulting need to give the impression I'm bending over backwards for the "families" (hate that term in that context. DH and I are a family, too!), especially when it comes to work social functions. But I can't have 300+ people at my home! And I can't have kiddos left to fend for themselves in a home without them in mind, and with nothing interesting for them to do.
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Post by nansel on May 21, 2021 12:45:03 GMT -5
Wow, villanelle. Why do all these people think they have a say in how you run an event? Something has given them that idea.
I would go the other way, go out of my way to say "sorry you won't be able to attend" and move on, and ignore the big entitled babies. But I realize I have zero knowledge of the social dynamics you write of.
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Post by Yogagirl on May 21, 2021 15:09:24 GMT -5
I think it's completely reasonable to have an adults only event. No guilt. Parents can either go or not go--you're not obligated to make everything work for everyone. How about "Please join us for an adults only evening on ....... " This. |
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Post by villanelle on May 21, 2021 18:19:23 GMT -5
Wow, villanelle. Why do all these people think they have a say in how you run an event? Something has given them that idea. I would go the other way, go out of my way to say "sorry you won't be able to attend" and move on, and ignore the big entitled babies. But I realize I have zero knowledge of the social dynamics you write of. There was a huuuuge shift during my time there. At the beginning, several of the women on our board (moms of 3 kids, 2yo twins, and 3) were some of the biggest proponents of "no kids" at various things. They *wanted* to go places without kids, and if they couldn't make it work, they didn't say anything and just didn't attend. Those women left and suddenly all the new moms had this sense of entitlement. I don't know where it came from. My sense was that their spouses understood it was ridiculous but didn't have the nerve to tell their wives that. So they said nothing when events were being planned and didn't advocate for their wives' points of view because they knew they were presumptuous, but they also didn't tell their wives they were presumptuous or needed to get over it, so the wives vented in the one place they had a say--our meetings. It turned off a lot of our younger, child-free spouses because our meetings were full of mom's complaining about how put-upon they were. To be fair, at these work things, there is often an implicit expectation that the service member's attend. That's not set in stone of course, and it certainly NEVER applies to the spouse, but that does add some pressure to the equation. It's still ridiculous though! |
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Post by coachgrrl on May 21, 2021 19:13:10 GMT -5
Ita with the adults only invite.
When my kids were little I loved adult only events
Still do 😊
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Post by villanelle on May 21, 2021 19:47:45 GMT -5
Maybe I can just ditch all these people and invite you guys!
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Post by GiftOfFlavor on May 25, 2021 14:54:11 GMT -5
Just say “adults only” game night.
If anyone puts up a fuss about the other event “it’s unfortunate that you can’t make it, looking forward to seeing you at the next event”
Entitled mombies make my head spin. Like, you’re having surgery today. Make arrangements. No, my employees aren’t babysitters and are not going to be responsible for your child, they are working doing their own jobs. And no, your child cannot run around my office and grab instruments and shit, your kid is dirty AF, his hands are sticky and this place is as close to sterile as it gets...
.. sorry.. this happens a lot... lol
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Post by Peanut on May 26, 2021 9:19:09 GMT -5
Vill, know that this comes from a place of love from someone who has BTDT from many sides of the situation you describe: You are not responsible for everyone else's happiness, pleasure and satisfaction with the way ANY event goes.
To quote the song "Garden Party" by Ricky Nelson, "...I've learned my lesson well. You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself."
Say "adults only" on the invite and hammer it home any time someone asks if little Tanner and Sweetums can attend because the sitter is busy (or 'we're new to town and don't have a sitter'). You are at a point in your married-to-the-military life where you can actually call a few shots and be yourself. If that involves something as fundamental as being able to comfortably play "Cards Against Humanity" in your own home without first censoring and sanitizing the deck in case Precious Little Penelope might hear adults say grown-up things, so be it.
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